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Perks
How is it that the older
you get the easier it seems to hate things. Yet when one was a young youth life
was filled with endless possibilities. Then again the same could be said in
reverse one could have misunderstood their own youth, and then embraced the
years of their future. Life is full of confusion but it always remains
interesting and never once dull, even when you swear you could just die from
boredom.
My relationship with my life, if that’s what you could call it,
is more of a love hate sort of situation. Then again who doesn't share in the
same regards on the prospects of ones existence. We all hate for one reason or
another, and there’s usually more then one reason too. Yet that could also be
applied in the same sense that we chose to love it. The only difference is
that some find it harder to find what it is that we should love about it in any
sense of the word. Ah, but when we do find what it is that we need to induce
happiness into our lives we latch onto it with everything that we have. Fearing
to lose the very few things that give us any form of purpose to carry on in
this world of ours. The very things that make it all seem possible when all
hope seems oh so very lost.
The night is bittersweet this eve when all should be well. It's
raining right outside my window, I can almost feel its chill running along my
spine like nails on a chalkboard. Yet I can't even fall a sleep to its natural
melody, which other wise never seems to fail me. The hours grow weary as they
pass along in silence, but I appear not to change merely remain lost in a
zombie state of mind. My eyes refuse to succumb to any attempts of rest. I weep
inside with the fact that after a long day of overwhelming distress, I cant
even find peace within the haven of my dreams; if I even dream at all.
I really don't understand the purpose of life. I can't seem to
comprehend its meaning, if it even bears any meaning to being with. Why bother
to live if were only going to die. Why smile when eventually you find yourself frowning.
Why bother with happiness when sorrow finds it's way to your very front door.
Why bother with it all? Long ago I just thought people were to weak to have
given in to the idea of living. What I didn't realize was that people were just
to strong to give up in the idea of existing. Some days I forget that life has
its perks. They may be few in the coming but at least their there when you need
them the most. Accept on days like today when all I could have used was a nice
little pick me up, and you want to know what? ... I got nothing, all those so
called perks deserted me in the blink of a blind mans eye.
Now while I lay in my bed gazing at the ceiling with only my own
company to keep I merely feel numb. As if I've been so beaten down by
everything and everyone around me that I can't feel anything anymore. The funny
thing is I don't think I'd even want to right now. I actually seem to find
comfort in not feeling anything at this very moment. I think numbness has its
perks! I would laugh with this new revelation if I weren’t so worn down. That
reminds me why is it when you need the most strength you feel the weakest, and
when your at your weakest point you seem to have so much strength ... it just
doesn’t seem to have any logical sense. Then again a person once said that the
difference between fiction and reality was that reality doesn’t have to make
sense, and if that aint true then I don't know what is.
Sometimes I'm
so distracted with hating life that I forget that I actually love mine every
once in awhile. It's so much easier to concentrate on the negative that you
tend to forget to remember the positive. I learned to look forward to the smell
of rain thriving through the night air. I yearn for the sound of thunder as
lighting dances along the black ink of a sky. I live for the soda and the junk
food. For the reading books and the journals, even the comic books. I live for
all the lyrics and the loud music that you just want to scream along to. I breathe
in the fact that I am who I am and there is no-body exactly like me. I express
how I see myself in any form that I want, charging through life with everything
I got. I live for the little things at least, enjoying in the simple fact that
I live. For at the end of the day you just have to come to see that you don't
know if there's anything waiting for you after this "so-called life"
this could all be just one whacked out dream. Learn to find simple pleasures,
little things to make it all seem worth it, and you never know you might just
forget what it was that you thought you hated about it in the first place...
now that would be one hell of a perk.
Well, until next time my
fellow freaky friends. I’ll catch you all on the blood red moon.©
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